Day in the Life of a Guardian
by Elenast
Summary: An average day in the life of a Silent Realm Guardian. Slightly crack!ish.


Title: Day in the Life of a Guardian

Summary: An average day in the life of a Silent Realm Guardian.

Warnings: Lil' bit of crack…ok, maybe a lot. Oh, and there's a "damn"

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is my (admittedly derpy) OCs.

AN: I woke up with this in my brain, and it wouldn't go away. Halp me, I am going insane…Oh, by the way, I believe that Guardians exist simultaneously in all four silent realms, which might make the ending of this piece make more sense.

_-0o0o0-_

Once upon a time there was a Guardian of Farore's Silent Realm. His name was Bob, and he had a very kind disposition. Benevolent temperaments are not suited to the profession of Guardianship. This constant state of conflict had resulted in a slightly hysterical personality. At the moment, however, Bob was simply thinking. There wasn't much else to do, really, when you were frozen in place for eons.

It was at this moment that a human appeared. He spent a moment examining his non-corporeal body in obvious fascination. Then he paced the circle of safety for several minutes, understandably reluctant to step outside of it. He took a deep breath, steeling himself. Then he gingerly stepped outside of the circle. Immediately, the sky turned a ghastly red and the air was filled with the clanging sound of Guardians coming to life. Bob rushed forward to thank the young man for freeing him from his dormant state, waving enthusiastically. But from the Sky-Child's point of view it just looked like a hulking figure looming towards him, waving a massive sword around. The boy gave an unabashed shriek of terror and hurtled away gracelessly.

_Oops, _thought Bob with a grimace. He chased after the human out of pure obligation, though he was sorely tempted to let the pathetic little creature escape. The boy's trail was ridiculously easy to follow, and Bob felt that the odds weren't particularly even.

The boy was reaching out his hand to claim a Tear. Oh my. That simply wouldn't do.

"Young man!" cried Bob, "I am afraid that I must ask you not to touch that!"

To the Sky-Child, however, it sounded like "SCREEEEE!". Understandably, this only motivated him to snatch the Tear. Calm was instantaneously restored to the Realm. Bob was frozen in place. So he waited. And he thought. And he waited some more. Eventually, the sky flashed back to crimson and Bob resumed the chase. After several minutes of tracking, he came across a Flying-Guardian known as Terrence.

"Hullo, Bob. Did you hear? There's a human loose in the Realm!" Terrence enthused. He, unlike Bob, loved his job as a Guardian.

"I know," said Bob. "I recently saw him,"

"You encountered him, but you didn't apprehend him?" asked Terrence suspiciously.

"I asked him nicely to stop, but he didn't listen," Bob said with a slight air of apology.

"You _asked_ him _nicely?!_" asked Terrence incredulously. Bob nodded. Terrence would have face-palmed, but his hands were too full of weapons. He settled for heaving a long-suffering sigh.

"Bob, we're Guardians, correct?"

"Correct,"

"And it's our job to protect the Tears of the Goddess, right?"

"Right,"

"And you have a perfectly good sword, true?"

"True,"

"So, Bob, explain to me why you 'asked him nicely' instead of simply _jabbing _him with your _sword_," Terrence snarled. Bob remained silent, because there was obviously no good way to answer that question. Terrence gave an irritated huff. "Forget it. Let's just go catch him, shall we?" Bob reluctantly agreed, duty-bound to protect the Realm.

After a period of time, Terrence and Bob happened upon a Watcher named Gerald. He was drifting about in a rather vague manner. Gerald had always been a little…off kilter. The other Guardians let him patrol small areas of the Realm to keep him happy, but it was common knowledge that he was hopelessly inept at his tasks.

"What are you up to, Gerald?" asked Bob.

"I'm guarding this tree!" shrieked Gerald happily. Bob nodded wisely.

"So Gerald, we need some assistance. We're tracking a human-"

"That Bob let escape," Terrence interrupted sanctimoniously.

"-and we need to know whether or not you've seen him," Bob finished, shooting Terrence a reproachful look.

Gerald nodded enthusiastically. "Yeah, I saw him! He passed by a few minutes ago,"

"Then why didn't you raise the alarm?" demanded Terrance.

"I was busy," Gerald said with a shrug.

"What could you have possibly been busy with?! There's nothing to _do_ in the Realm!"

"Actually there is, if you know where to look," interjected Bob.

Terrence took a moment to mourn for his previously simple life that was rapidly descending into chaos. He took a deep, calming breath, composing himself. "This is beside the point," he said, in a scarily serene manner. "What direction did the human go in, Gerald?"

"He went north. Or maybe it was south…? No it was definitely north. Though it could have been west, I suppose. Perhaps north-west…Hey, have you guys ever tried drinking the Waking Water? It tastes kind of funny, but then-"

"WHICH DIRECTION?!" Terrence shrieked, composure be damned.

"…I'm almost certain that it was north," said Gerald, temporarily cowed.

"Let's go, Bob," Terrence barked, stalking in a (more or less) northward direction. Bob scurried after him, tailed by Gerald, who at this point was invested in the chase.

It didn't take them long to find him. The Hero was woefully inexperienced at stealth.

"There he is!" Terrence cried, pointing. The Sky-Child was precariously balanced on a length rope suspended over a pool of waking water. At the sight of the three Guardians he let out a yelp and lost his balance. He flailed his arms frantically, trying to remain aloft, but gravity is not merciful.

_Splash_!

The Guardians stared down at the now-unconscious Sky-Child. Terrence callously raised his blades, preparing to obliterate the Hero's soul.

"Aw, can't we make an exception, just this once?" pleaded Bob. "He's so pitiful, it just wouldn't be fair…"

"It's not our job to be fair, it's our job to destroy intruders," said Terrence.

"But-"

"No."

"But-"

"_NO_. Guardian's don't make exceptions!" bellowed Terrence in a rather undignified manner.

"Gerald, back me up!" Bob pleaded. Gerald didn't answer, as he had now reentered the "drifting around vaguely" stage of his insanity.

Terrence and Bob resumed their argument with increased vigor. It went on and on, wending in circles. Eventually they came to the conclusion that Terrence could kill the boy, but he had to do it mercifully. Neither Guardian was particularly contented with this agreement. Terrence had wanted to kill the boy viciously. Bob had wanted the boy to live.

Terrence turned his attention back to his prey, brandishing his blades. He was met with an unexpected setback: the boy seemed to have gone missing.

"Where did he go?" snarled Terrence, upset at being deprived of his quarry.

"Escaped. Obviously," smirked Bob, pleased on the Hero's behalf and rather smug at getting his way.

"This is _your_ fault" snarled Terrence. Bob just shrugged with a serene smile. Terrence bolted off to intercept the human. Bob and Gerald, as always, followed after, mostly because they were interested to see how this would end. They burst into the clearing just as the Sky-Child inelegantly dived into the circle of safety, narrowly eluding Terrence's scythes. Said Guardian let loose with an inarticulate howl of fury, outraged at being made a fool of. The next moment, everything froze. The Realm reentered it's dormant state, not to be reactivated for millennium. The Guardian's settled in to (sort of) patiently await the Hero's return. Next time, they would be ready.

**The End**

_AN: I…have no idea what just happened. I am so sorry for subjecting you to the madness that is Bob, Terrence, and Gerald, haha. But wouldn't it be weird if the Guardians in the game were actually this dysfunctional?_

_Anyways, it would make my day if you left a review, even if it's just to tell me that I should be institutionalized._

_-Elenast_


End file.
